you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
