My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
