mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
