I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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