I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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