Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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