Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
