I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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