I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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