just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize