I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
