What did we do last night that was yellow?
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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