what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
