U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
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