You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
