I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
