Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
