Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
