Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Randomize
