I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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