Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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