Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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