i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Randomize