I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
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