After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
