Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
