I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
she looked like the before picture.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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