I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
