textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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