Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Randomize
