you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
