my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
