apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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