You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
