Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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