hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
