a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
