Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
