I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
