i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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