Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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