The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
