Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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