hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
