I accidentally had phone sex last night
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
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