you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
