It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
The power of my boobs compel you
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Randomize
