Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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