You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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