She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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