I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
