I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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