My cat gives me a boner
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
