I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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