k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
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