Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
