We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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