just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Randomize
