I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
